Cruel People

This is not going to be one of those upbeat, hope-filled notes that you may have grown used to. Why? Because I feel like a boat parked in the middle of the lawn.

Yesterday, I had to email an adjunct to remedy some differences between the curriculum we approved and the curriculum she is using. It wasn't that big of a deal, but it sure wasn't taken that way. She emailed me back. Her email smashed me to pieces.

This woman who knows everything that happened to us this summer raked me over the coals for not being available this summer, for not responding to emails fast enough, and for not communicating at the pace I should have.

I felt like I got punched in the gut.

This is the most pronounced moment when I felt punished for what happened to us, punished for grieving my sons, and to be honest, I didn't even know what to say. But I had to respond, so I crafted a professional and concise response, had my office mate review it and I sent it off.

She repeated the insult, in more drastic a tone.

And I felt like I got beat up. For the rest of the afternoon, I was psyching myself up to keep working as I tried to keep a smile on my face and keep from crying. I kept the pretense up all the way through my class and I swear, the students couldn't tell at all that I was miserable and trying to keep it all together. Now I'm home and I feel achy...all over. And all I want to do is weep and weep and weep.

How can people be so cruel, so heartless as to assume that I could possibly stay on top of everything WHILE I was losing my sons? I did my best; I've worked hard to pick up and move on and to be honest, I feel like I've done a good job. But now, I feel deflated and lost and hurt. So, I'm going to crawl into bed, try to sleep, and wake up tomorrow to go back to work and try again. And tomorrow, when I want to curl up in a ball and hide, I'll remember the amazing people that surround me -- the generous people who care and give and support us. Those people far outnumber the cruel ones and for those people, I am endlessly grateful.

So, until tomorrow, I sleep. Goodnight, all!