Bad dreams

Lately, I've had some horrible nightmares and, while I'm sure that most who read this blog are ready for me to stop "wallowing,"I hope you will allow me to explore this last phenomenon.

A few nights ago, I dreampt(sp?) that I was in labor: same room, same robe, same people. But, after I delivered the boys, I was still in labor. I gave birth to six more dead children before I woke up terrified, hopeless and miserable. This week was...bizarre. To say the least. I fought with my own emotions, fought with my own thoughts and the fears that have seemed to strong-arm me into submission.

People keep telling me that I will have more babies, and more often than not, I want to look at them quizzically, wondering how in the world they would know that. Lately I sense that I am clawing my way through mud, pulling myself up a hill that I can't even see the top of. I feel trapped in a baby-less world and I am pushing myself to trust that God knows, that he somehow has a plan and that I have a future.

There is one person, however, who seems to have all the confidence in the world, and in the same way that my fear is compounded by my dreams, his hope is compounded by his. My best friend in the world - my husband - had a dream while I was pregnant. In it, he was laying on our living room floor playing with a baby girl: his daughter. She was healthy, whole, happy, and beautiful. And because of this dream, he believes that we will have a baby.

This whole dream thing has taught me something. Simply, there are times when we just don't have what it takes, even to stand. And in those moments, I am thankful that someone else does. And I've learned that, in times like these, the best thing I can do is hold onto to someone else's faith until mine has the chance to mend and catch up. So until I can dream safely again, I'm gonna trust my husband's dream. And then, when my dreams start to mend, maybe someone else will hold onto mine. All together, we can make a chain that links the weak with the strong, the faithless with the faithful. And we can hold each other up. And we can survive. And we can keep going.

So to those like me, hold on and trust. Do that, and we'll all make it.