Filter this...

I was born without a filter. What I mean by this is simple: if you want to know what I think or feel, simply ask. I will be glad to tell you. In fact, many times, you won't even have to ask; I will simply offer my perspective for you to take, leave, chew on, or spit out.

Over the years, I have worked to put a filter over my mouth, trying to say what was respectable, intelligent, not-awkward, and "Christian," but no matter the filter I temporarily applied, eventually, the truth comes out. Why? Because I see the world in a special and unique way, and although my perspective is not always correct, godly, or accurate, I am a verbal processor. The more I talk/write, the better I cope/understand.

Because of this, facebook presents a unique challenge. Facebook is an open platform for often misinterpreted data to spread itself across the pages of everybody else's lives. People can then take, leave, chew on, or spit out my thoughts, feelings and observations without even knowing what I mean. And often, without even questioning to try and figure it out. I suppose this is the nature of the beast, but I wonder if I couldn't ask for a little more grace.

For example, this morning, I posted that I often felt like I was turning into a deist. Does this mean that I don't believe in God or that I don't trust that s/he is actively involved in a relational endeavor with me? No. Not at all. What it does mean is that, while I believe in God, I often wonder where the hell s/he is.

Raised in a Christian home, I have memorized and recited chapters - even full books - of the Bible. I have studied theology, though not diligently, enough to know what is true even if I don't understand how that truth operates or what it should look like. Knowing this does not leave me without questions, doubt, and often, I admit, unbelief. That said, I have been through enough in my life to know that God is ever-present; but, I have also been through enough to wonder where God is and why things happen the way that they do.

This is not sin; it is not worthy of damnation or even condemnation. It is simple, human vulnerability in its most raw and ugly form. It is the place where my filter-less mind takes me, a place of trust and pain mixed with hope and loss.

Perhaps my profound lack of filtering is my greatest weakness, and perhaps that same lack is my greatest strength. You will never have to wonder who I am or what I am all about and, while you may not always like what you see, I will at least allow the privilege of the view. So, if my comments bother you, please accept my humble apologies. I hope you will give me the benefit of the doubt, knowing that my heart and faith, though not perfect, are true and honest. And more than that, I hope you will not drop the hammer. The hammer just makes me want to hide, and the more likely I am to hide, the more likely I am to close the curtain altogether.

But for now, the curtain remains open.

Enjoy the show!