The "Normal" Life...

I've spent this week working from home. My fabulous boss has been quite flexible and understanding - a true gift from God. Next week, I've determined that I should probably be back in the office full time. I have to be honest: I'm dreading it.

It's not my co-workers, my boss, or even the work. It's the normalcy. Even as I type I feel strange. Every fiber of my being is aching to get back to some kind of normal life. Yet at the same time, every fiber of my being feels that doing so would somehow betray my children. Is it right to move on? Do my sons watch from somewhere up above and wonder why this doesn't take me out of the loop for longer? Will they feel like I don't miss them -- like I don't care?

I know, I know...this is silly. It's right to begin moving on. It's good to pick up the pieces of my life and continue on. This is good -- isn't it?

The truth is this: I don't know what normal life is supposed to look like. It's not like I can go back to the time before I was pregnant. I'm not that person I was. I'm a mother now. At least, I think I am a mother now.

I'm a mother without children. I'm a mother who has to live as if she is not a mother. I feel like the rest of my life will be a giant stage, and as Shakespearean as I know that sounds, I don't like the script I've been given. No bedtimes. No nursing. No storybooks. No nursery. No blankets or burp rags, baths or bottles. No cries or ear infections, laughs or runny noses. My stage has not changed, and while I'm grateful for the characters who play opposite me - an amazing husband, a wonderful family, and constant friends - I feel like my stage is strangely empty.

So, how do I go back to normal life? Does anyone know? Can life be "normal," or will it be as I fear: forever lacking the babies I never held.