So what...

I haven't had much to say over the last few weeks. After being gone for the last two weeks, I'm realizing how quickly life moves on. And, to be honest, I have mixed feelings about this type of progress. I'm still "supposed" to be pregnant. Seven and half months pregnant to be precise. But I'm not pregnant, and I won't be pregnant tomorrow. In fact, I might not ever be pregnant again, and that is a terrifying thought.

We are still waiting on the autopsy results and while I know that the likelihood is good that this was not a genetic/hereditary issue, I am still afraid. I SO want to get pregnant again. I want to have the opportunity to birth more children -- ones who are healthy and ok. I know that families are made in many different ways. I know that adoption is always an option, and it's a great option. But I still want to birth children.

So what happens if we find out that we shouldn't have more kids? What happens if we do get pregnant and this happens again? What happens if I have to keep watching everyone else get pregnant, have kids, grow families and we can't? What happens if this and what happens if that -- the possibilities seem endless, and my life seems full of the bad scenarios that were almost completely unlikely. And I don't know how to answer the questions that, well, I'm not supposed to be able to answer.

Sigh.

I know that no one will be able to replace my sons, and I know that future children will never make what happened "ok". I know that, and I'm ok with that. I just want to feel like my life has some sense of security. I want to feel like there are answers, like there's hope...like my life has a future. And right now, I don't feel like I have any of that.

And yet, life goes on...